Writing Through a Broken Heart

My heart was broken several times last year, and I am still recovering.

I am not talking about love.  Actually, that part is one of my blessings.  (I married my love on May 4, 2013!  He is wonderful!!!)

Broken hearts are not always the result of a love gone wrong.  Life has other ways of destroying us.

In my case, it was mostly career-related.  I was the Center Administrator for an Early Head Start that I dearly loved.  It was my baby.  My staff was amazing.  I loved my families.  I felt that I had found my calling in life.  My center was a ministry.  Even through the death of my father and a major surgery, I was so blessed. 

That changed in March of last year.  I was moved against my will to a much larger center where I had previously been a teacher.  I loved many of those ladies as friends.  We had faced it all together.  We were a team.  And then I was told I had to go back and supervise them.  Leaving my center broke my heart.  Plus I knew the bigger school would be a challenge...partly because of my friends and partly because I knew the rest of the staff knew I had friends.  I survived.  But I stepped down at the end of the school year to return to being what is basically a social worker in Early Head Start.  (By my own request)

Mid-summer I took a chance and left the company for a dream that turned into a nightmare.  Due to a lot of factors, I couldn't go back.  (I'm still good with them...had to do with govt cuts, etc.  The fun of non-profit) 

My heart shattered.  I was angry with God.  Why would he open a door that would go so horribly wrong?  My self esteem was a wreck.  I laid in bed and cried a lot.  I stopped writing.  I stopped painting.  I stopped living.

I finally took a few photography classes (thank you, income tax refund!).  I truly believe taking the step outside of myself helped me come back to life.  I'm not there all the way, but every step helps.

So that brings us to the present.  I'm out there now trying to figure out what to do with my life.  I'm finding myself so blocked when it comes to artistic things I used to love.  I don't write much (but today I'm taking a step), I'm not painting, and I am not really happy with the current stage of my photography skills.

I've gotten some interviews, and they have all gone wonderfully.  But I still haven't gotten that position I need.  I'm not sure now what to look for...I don't know what I want to do. 

That's the hardest part.  Everyone says "what do YOU want?"

I can't answer that.

Things I Learned in 2012

In 2012...

1. I learned that wound pumps suck, quite literally.  I also learned that I'm highly allergic to the sticky plastic junk they use to hold the sponge thing in your wound.  If none of this makes sense to you, consider yourself blessed.
2. I learned that I get really crafty when I'm stuck at home.
3. I learned that craft stuff is expensive, but that Hobby Lobby always has a coupon!
4. I learned that art is a fantastic way to channel my emotions, both good and bad.  Some of my favorite pieces mean so much to me because they speak to my heart.
5. I learned that the love of my life is a truly amazing, talented, caring, wonderful man.
6. I learned to get used to change because even if you love where you are, it won't last forever.
7. I learned that change is hard but always grows you in some way.
8. I learned that I'm kinda good at this photography thing.
9. I learned that I still have so much to learn about this photography thing.
10. I learned that others believe in me more than I do myself.
11. I learned that the amount I believe in myself seems to be directly proportionate to the amount I trust God.
12. I learned that if the grass is greener on the other side it's probably drowning in manure. Seriously.
13. I learned that sometimes God gives you your dream to show you it's not really what you want after all.
14. I learned that when those dreams are shattered the pieces can never be put back the same way, but they can be re-formed into new dreams.  It's very difficult, but it CAN be done.  
15. I learned that I would rather write for myself than others...if I ever write again...
16. I learned that I need to take care of myself or it will catch up to me.   
17. I learned that friends you think will always be around will drift away, but family has your back.
18. I learned that fighting my depression and putting on a happy face makes it worse.  Sometimes I just need to hide out and ride the wave.  I'm like a soda bottle.  If you let a little of the pressure out, it's safe to open the rest.  If not, it all explodes at once and gets messy
19. I learned that it all seems fragmented and random, but when you look back you can see how God uses every experience for His plan. 
20. I learned that God knows more than I do (shocker) and that I need to trust Him even when it looks dark on the horizon.

How my depression feels...one of my favorite paintings I made this year.

A favorite picture I captured...

The most fun I had doing art this year!  Crayons and a hair dryer.  :)

So goodbye, 2012.  You've been rough.  I'm praying 2013 is gentle with me!

Procrastination Song

‎(To the tune of Jingle Bells)
Dashing through the store, with a jacked up shopping cart, through the aisles I go, growling at Wal-Mart. Grrr grrrr grrrrrr. People everywhere, don't know what to buy, gotta hurry and get out or else I'm gonna cry. OHHH...Christmas time, Christmas time, Christmas time again. Always plan to be prepared but I can never win. OHHH...Christmas time, Christmas time, too late for online...and yet I sit and waste more time to share my yuletide whine!

Be a Lighthouse...

http://s2.hubimg.com/u/2119845_f520.jpg

I have come to a conclusion.  Sometimes God uses us by throwing us into an ocean of nonbelievers.  But how do we shine effectively? 

Be a LIGHTHOUSE...

I know you've heard that Jesus is like a lighthouse, but guess what?  If Jesus is in us, we should be as well!

For so the Lord has commanded us: "I have set you as a light to the Gentiles, that you should be for salvation to the ends of the earth.’”  Acts 13:47

Does a lighthouse make a lot of noise?  No.  It just shines.  We shouldn't hide our light, but we also shouldn't beat people over the head with our beliefs.  We can be open.  We can express our belief.  We can even disagree with someone...in LOVE.  But then we need to drop it and just live...our light should shine with no words.  When sailors would rather face a tsunami than stop to chat, you may be talking too much.

Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. I Peter 3:4

Does a lighthouse chase a boat down and drag it to shore?  No.  It stands in one place and shines.  Should we tie people up and drag them to church?  No.  We can invite and move on.  We should be approachable and open, but there's a line. Lighthouses are there and welcoming, but they won't chase you down.  If you get stuck, remember how Jesus did it...he cared for them.  I've never read of Jesus making someone feel so guilty he went to the temple...that's not how he operates.  Being a christian isn't easy...they have to want the relationship.

Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. Luke 9:23

In a storm, does the lighthouse disappear?  No.  It may be harder to find through the wind and rain, but it's there, standing solid on its foundation.  When tough times come, do you run and hide?  Is your foundation solid enough to weather the storms?  Read your Bible.  Pray.  Spend quiet time with God.  Make your foundation so rock solid it doesn't budge when trouble comes.  Weary sailors look for solid ground during a hurricane...

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.  Matthew 7: 24-25

What if a boat ignores the light and crashes on the rocks?  Does the lighthouse stop?  No.  It keeps shining.  Sometimes people see your light but choose to turn away.  Do not be discouraged. Keep shining...

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

One of these days, that "boat" may just decide to brave the religious waters again.  Make sure they can still find that lighthouse in the storm!

He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. Psalm 107:29 

And next time you find yourself in the ocean, I pray that you find a lighthouse to guide you.  If Jesus is there, it's sure to be so bright you can't miss it!!!

Then Jesus spoke to them again, saying, “I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.”  John 8:12

I love Bay Area Park! (Clear Lake, TX)

Just a couple of my two favorite pictures from my afternoon at Bay Area Park...

Sunshine Growing in Random Places

I live in an apartment...in Houston...across the street from a movie theater.

But God loves to throw in little bursts of nature here and there...and when I stop to notice, it makes me smile.

This isn't out in a country meadow...or on a mountainside...

It's between a theater and a grocery store, but that in no way takes away from the beauty.  

I think I need to search for other wildflowers tomorrow.  

"Earth laughs in flowers"  -Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Most Damaging Virus Ever...

I hate being sick.

Do you ever feel that brief moment of panic when a co-worker (or friend or family member) coughs, sniffles, and then blows their nose...loudly?  It's generally followed by the groan and "ohhhh ib thick...".  (Translation:  "ohhhhh I'm sick" in stuffy nose-speak)

It's at this moment that my adrenaline takes over. I jump back a few feet, throw my hands up, and say, "I don't wanna get it!  Stay away from me!"  

I then proceed to saturate everything they may have ever touched with Lysol, run to wash my hands repeatedly with antibacterial soap, and start popping vitamin C.

Not very comforting, I must admit...but did I mention that I HATE being sick?  

I'm sure I'm not the ONLY germ-a-phobe here either!  I KNOW some of you are with me.  When I'm sick, you return the favor...so we are even.  

And sadly, it doesn't always work.  We still end up catching it, but at least we know we have done our best!

I had an interesting thought today...

We work so hard to fight a simple cold virus, but we do nothing to prevent the most harmful virus of all time.  Actually, we EMBRACE it.  We invite it in, ask it to dinner, and roll around in it!!!!  We then go infect everyone around us...we sneeze and cough on all our loved ones, insuring that they can't possibly fight off the illness.

And this virus kills.  It destroys lives.  It makes everyone infected suffer miserably...

What is it?  

Ebola?

The Plague?

No....even worse...

The  NEGATIVITY virus...

Do we walk away and wash our hands of it?  Nope.  Do we "take our vitamins"?  Nope.  Do we spray disinfectant?  Nada...

But why not???  Why can't we let it go???  It destroys us.

Next time this virus sneaks up on you, take ACTION!!!

STEP BACK and WASH YOUR HANDS of the negativity germs..shake it off, and don't carry it to others!

Take your VITAMINS, meaning focus on positive things...stay in prayer, listen to happy music, surround yourself with things that make you smile!  (This works much like vitamin C...you build up immunity the more you make it a habit...)

  

Fight back with happiness!  SPRAY those negativity germs with your HAPPINESS LYSOL!!! If a downer comes at you, do NOT let them suck out your positive outlook.  Turn it around on them.  Spread JOY!

I don't care if this is cheesy...I just hope it made you smile.  ;)